A new day, a crossroads… Still waiting to hear about salary, but after a long sought after meeting with an interpreter, we got more clarity about what is going on here, about long term plans, still deciding if we will be part of it or not. It is changing... They are having us "work" specific hours now. They placed us in 2 different locations, me, the wellness center, Patrick, the karaoke bar with the drumset (he has been practicing and wanting to learn to play better). They want us to be in different locations to strengthen our Chinese. But it just leaves me feeling more isolated. I'm tired of trying to communicate anything useful with the phone translator, so i just got quiet today. Sitting at a desk, in a cold room, with winter coat and boots, drinking tea, yet still cold.
I can still teach yoga and English, but honestly I am not excited about either of those. I can do some more programming and workshops, but not sure who will come. I guess i knew i would have to do more than just aquatic bodywork, so i was ok with that, but i don't want a structured schedule where i have to be somewhere cold and lonely within a specific time frame. And the pool as a project seems to be pushed back. Well, I only have tomorrow until we head to Shenzhen to go to the dentist. Maybe we will go to ArtZen Village, the intentional community we visited earlier, even if our friend Richard isn't there, and get some connecting time with people we resonate more with.
The salary will be a make it or break it number for us, but we won't hear about it until we're back from Shenzhen, maybe...this is a conversation that has reached the limits of being too long for not knowing now.
It's feeling so challenging to make a decision..i don't even know if i like China and it's culture enough for such a big commitment. Of course there are beautiful people, but I can barely connect to them. The language is tough. I want to be closer to my parents and family and friends. I don't want to do it just because Patrick wants it. I don't think i want to stay here, especially not 3 years, or 5. A pool is a big expense, not even just to build, but to maintain, so I understand him wanting us here long term.
This felt like such a miracle, a gift…but there are hidden costs. Loyalty to the company. Isolation and lonliness….which leads to sadness, yet sometimes not enough privacy. I can't even be alone in the woods, there are many people here. I'm always on display, stared at and gawked at… Mostly innocent curiosity, but still no space, except in my room. I have to always be on. I want to hide sometimes. It was fun at first, tiring now, i still have to be nice to people because this is my workplace.
Where is the sun? I've said before that I don't want to live in a place where the air hurts my face, and I also don't want to live in a place where the people wear their winter coats all of the time, indoors and out, to meals, to work in. i also left Michigan because of Seasonal Affective Disorder, so I'm not sure this is the place for me either.
i'm not sure i want to live in a place where everyone is from one culture, where there is one type of food, where i don't speak the language. The language is one of the biggest challenges. I remember the last time I travelled in Latin America with a good command of Spanish and got a deep realization of how important it is to have the language to connect with people. Learning Mandarin seems so huge and overwhelming, and slow. And they are hesitant to provide us with an interpreter. They just want us to learn the language. I think about how much effort I am putting in here, and it isn't really long term for my future life. Even if I stayed here 3 to 5 years, then what? I think I would rather be putting the effort into building something I want. A home in community. Our own pool? I want roots and a home base and then travel from there. Maybe it's Michigan part time and maybe it's not, but at this moment, I'm not sure if it is China.
Lived in Japan for 2 years and felt much of what you are feeling Jen...sending so much love from chilly Ann Arbor! Miss you!
ReplyDeleteJen, what knowing you have of your heart and your external context. It sounds as if a "mini-threshold" has already been crossed, with the splitting of you and Patrick. Ahhhh that must feel like a fish in the desert. The are so many phases from dream origins to fruition, and it sounds like this new phase of YaShen directing action is revealing some of those "hidden costs" and bringing up sincere questions into what everyday life might be like. I'd never thought of the cost of a one-dimensional culture. China is intriguing in its novelty and excellence yes, and maybe also suffers from its own isolation? Ahhhhh feel for you - sounds so difficult. Yet you also seem clear in your reflections. Big crossroads like this have a way of returning us to our core needs, as well as the full truth of our dreams. You and Patrick are strong. No matter, who you are and whatever Inner Oceans are working through you both, return return to whatever that is that sources you. Hoping your time at ArtZen Village will continue to clarify you and bring you and Patrick closer together. Love you Jen. ~ Michael Francis
ReplyDeleteLove you michael... Thank you for your beautiful words...i also hold you in my heart as i know you yourself are in a time of transition and questioning.
ReplyDeleteJen, this is Janet, I couldn't switch my sons account. You have to do whats best for you. If staying there is not what you want, you should leave, unless you are staying because of Patrick? are you sacrificing your happiness for his? that is the question. I like the idea, that MI is part you have your friends and family. You need that, life is too short. Do, what you feel in your heart.
ReplyDeleteHi John, this is adarsha. I spoke with a friend of mine the other day and he had to go to work with the flu and 102 degree temperature. My sister does office cleaning and her arm is numb almost all the time from vacuuming. I have been volunteering and had to struggle with a great amount of travel trouble. I think in every situation, no matter where or what job you choose, there will always be times when you have to learn to dance in the rain. I know your work looks different, but it still comes with incredible challenge. I have to deal with different personality types with my volunteering with habitat. Some are quite cranky. I still wouldn't change my job for others. I guess that's the question you have to ask yourself. You could be home with a traditional job. Each one comes with specific challenge. I know you can learn to dance in the rain.
ReplyDeleteThanks ..i get it
DeleteYour heart is strong and you are loved, no matter what your decision is, you will be supported.
ReplyDeleteI have a vision for whole body wellness, have for some years, I'm building that community and I'm seeing it slowly form. I got road blocks at times and feel lost and isolated and then something breaks free and I'm back on the path. It sounds like you know what you don't want, guess time will tell you. Much love! Thinking of you often.
ReplyDeleteSay YES! To Michigan ������
ReplyDelete