Art Zen Village and leaving China

Richard Bock

Art Zen Village

So…back in Michigan once again.   I will explain a little about our leaving China since I somewhat dropped off of media when I arrived at an intentional community there, and I’ve been slow in my coming back in other ways than physically.

First of all…we weren’t ready to leave China, although we weren’t convinced we would stay there long term either.  We decided to leave the resort after 3 months of negotiations and not feeling like we were making much progress on the pool...cultural differences, language challenges, and ungrounded visions.

When we left the resort, we went back to the intentional community we had visited a couple of times, called Art Zen Village (https://artzenvillage.com/) and decided to stay.  Our friend Richard Bock… a long term Harbin  hot springs (birthplace of some aquatic bodywork) resident and aquatic bodyworker was living there with his new Chinese wife, Ki Ki.  We had plans to build a pool there with him, had the details all worked out, then long story short, the new government started investigating why there were so many foreigners living here among other things, and so we decided to leave.

                           

 Art Zen was a mix of Chinese individuals and families, and about 1/3 foreign residents and visiting teachers and students from Argentina, US, England, Iran, Greece, Poland, Romania and more.  For 7 years or so it was about 4-6 members until 6 months ago when over 20 folks came in from another community, so there were growing pains, but willingness to work it out.

Piao Piao was the founder and owner of the land and his vision was living in harmony and being happy. There was meditation, mountains, and rivers to swim in, art and tea ceremonies, a pizza oven and a  geodesic dome, music, workshops, dogs, kittens, children, good people, good conversations and beautiful connections.  For me, it was an opportunity to live in community, my first time besides a bunch of young punks in a couple of houses in Detroit in the early 90's.  I liked it, I could see the challenges and frustrations and where I had to work on finding balance, but I liked being in community.  I enjoyed the people that lived there and the visitors.  Sometimes there were exchanges with language and sometimes with smiles and actions.  Overall, it was a nice place to be.

So…no more community in China, politics and governmental control dictated that the “brain washing” foreigners weren't really welcome.  A sad day...perhaps possibilities to return, but most have moved on with their lives, including us.  There is too much uncertainty to live there.  And the same language and cultural differences didn’t disappear, although they were much softer and easier there.

 More Art Zen Photos

Coming "home"

"I'm going home. she said.

"Where's home to you?" he asked.

"My house?" she said confused and laughed a little.

"Home isn't a place," he paused, "It's a color, a song, a scent, a feeling, a person, but it's not a place."   

~excert from a book I'll never write #6 (via@pixelateprincess-WHI)

We met someone studying at Polytech University in Hong Kong.  He is exploring the idea of “home” for his thesis, and we had many lengthy conversations about that topic.  He is American, but has lived outside of the US for manyyears.  So, in returning to Michigan, I have been exploring what home is. Is home what is familiar? Is home where I grew up?  Is it the house I lived in for 17 years, although I haven’t lived there for 19 years now? Is it St. Clair Shores, Detroit, Ann Arbor, Michigan, is it the US? Is it where family and friends are? Although I now have friends all over the world.   I know it can be anywhere. Some say home is where the heart is, so wherever you are can be home. Or is home where we return to when we die?

I have had difficulty being “home”.   First of all, I feel 
like I landed like an albatross!  Almost 2 weeks of jet lag walking around zombie like, wondering if I put my toilet paper in the bin or the bowl, can I drink the water, getting used to the new weather,  the new, yet not new, food.... re-remembering all of the things i forgot that i forgot about!  It's all so familiar, yet 5 months is enough time to forget things exist and you have to get used to them again.




Then there was the sloth stage...still tired,
wondering where I was and what I was doing with my life.  Then I remembered reverse culture shock, in many ways the same as culture shock when you go somewhere else.  No one wants to hear you talk about your experience all the time, you might feel bored, have mood swings, unrest, frustration, anger, depression, alienation, you have homesickness for the place and people you left, your relationships have changed, you have changed, you are feeling alientated and hyper-critical about your home culture, you feel like your experience is slipping away from you...

I did a sound and movement workshop, specifically Authentic movement and I moved through being a worm underground into a caterpillar who went into a cocoon and then came out as a butterfly which was the beginning of moving from slothdom into movement in my life.  I also did a family constellation the next day, which was very opening. (ask me about it if you don't know what it is, it is a beautiful process)... so now I feel that almost 4 weeks after physically arriving, I am actually beginning to arrive, so please pardon my slowness and tentativeness with plans, etc..it is all just part of the process of coming "home". 

     

oh yeah, culture shock

From culture shock on Wikipedia:

"Transition shock

Culture shock is a subcategory of a more universal construct called transition shock. Transition shock is a state of loss and disorientation predicated by a change in one's familiar environment that requires adjustment. There are many symptoms of transition shock, including: Anger, Boredom, Compulsive eating/drinking/weight gain, Desire for home and old friends, Excessive concern over cleanliness, Excessive sleep, Feelings of helplessness and withdrawal, Homesickness, Hostility towards host nationals, Impulsivity, Irritability, Mood swings, Physiological stress reactions, Stereotyping host nationals, Withdrawal...

Honeymoon Phase
During this period, the differences between the old and new culture are seen in a romantic light. For example, in moving to a new country, an individual might love the new food, the pace of life, and the locals' habits. During the first few weeks, most people are fascinated by the new culture.

Negotiation/Anxiety/Frustration Phase
After some time (usually around three months, depending on the individual), differences between the old and new culture become apparent and may create anxiety. Excitement may eventually give way to unpleasant feelings of frustration and anger as one continues to experience unfavorable events that may be perceived as strange and offensive to one's cultural attitude.

Still, the most important change in the period is communication: People adjusting to a new culture often feel lonely and homesick because they are not yet used to the new environment and meet people with whom they are not familiar every day. The language barrier may become a major obstacle in creating new relationships: special attention must be paid to one's and others' culture-specific body language signs, linguistic faux pas, conversation tone, linguistic nuances and customs. "

Not to mention all of these other cultural differences that are unknown (see image on right)...you can't really prepare for or even understand fully...no matter how much you study before you leave...

So....in my last post, I was deep in the downward swing of the second stage of negotiation.  And it was just about 3 months.  It's not like culture shock is a new thing to me, I've been away from home for 3, 5, 6, 7...up to 9 1/2  months at a time,  6 or 7 times...but it's one of those things that is difficult to notice when you are in the middle of it.  When I was looking online for support, I re-found culture shock, I had one of those big "aha!" moments, (to put it eloquently, "duh!). 

I guess it was the slowly coming out of the downward swing that allowed me to notice.  So, then came the act of discernment: "What is culture shock and what is just not working for us here? "  In the end, there are too many things not working for us. I also have to  ask myself, "Am I just running away because it is too difficult?"  I don't think so. With the thought of leaving, my body relaxes, my mind is at ease.  

The card I picked last week.  

I am so grateful for the experience I've had here, the people I have met, the kindness I have received, the curiousity and smiles, the generosity and friendship, no matter how big or small.  It is a beautiful place, I have to keep reminding myself that no one is at fault, no one is to blame, not them nor me...that this is too difficult.  On both sides, we couldn't have known without trying.  And, as usual for me, there will be some tears to shed, some grieving to do, as I move onto the next stage, saying goodbye to the people, the mountains, the water, the hopes and dreams that were once alive here.

So...deciding next steps.  Maybe spending time checking out another community here in China, practicing aquatic bodywork in the ocean in Thailand...?...and another process of re-adjustment and learning, but it feels ok, even exciting...Maybe family visiting in April...And perhaps still home in May, and then doing it all over again with Reverse Culture Shock!..and then...

Crossroads

A new day, a crossroads… Still waiting to hear about salary, but after a long sought after meeting with an interpreter, we got more clarity about what is going on here, about long term plans, still deciding if we will be part of it or not. It is changing... They are having us "work" specific hours now.   They placed us in 2 different locations, me, the wellness center, Patrick, the karaoke bar with the drumset (he has been practicing and wanting to learn to play better).  They want us to be in different locations to strengthen our Chinese.  But it just leaves me feeling more isolated.  I'm tired of trying to communicate anything useful with the phone translator, so i just got quiet today.  Sitting at a desk, in a cold room, with winter coat and boots, drinking tea, yet still cold.

I can still teach yoga and English, but honestly I am not excited about either of those.  I can do some more programming and workshops, but not sure who will come.  I guess i knew i would have to do more than just aquatic bodywork, so i was ok with that, but i don't want a structured schedule where i have to be somewhere cold and lonely within a specific time frame.  And the pool as a project seems to be pushed back.  Well, I only have tomorrow until we head to Shenzhen to go to the dentist.  Maybe we will go to ArtZen Village, the intentional community we visited earlier, even if our friend Richard isn't there, and get some connecting time with people we resonate more with.

The salary will be a make it or break it number for us, but we won't hear about it until we're back from Shenzhen, maybe...this is a conversation that has reached the limits of being too long for not knowing now.

It's feeling so challenging to make a decision..i don't even know if i like China and it's culture enough for such a big commitment. Of course there are beautiful people, but I can barely connect to them. The language is tough. I want to be closer to my parents and family and friends.  I don't want  to do it just because Patrick wants it.  I don't think i want to stay here, especially not 3 years, or 5. A pool is a big expense, not even just to build, but to maintain, so I understand him wanting us here long term.

This felt like such a miracle, a gift…but there are hidden costs. Loyalty to the company. Isolation and lonliness….which leads to sadness, yet sometimes not enough privacy. I can't even be alone in the woods, there are many people here. I'm always on display, stared at and gawked at… Mostly innocent curiosity, but still no space, except in my room. I have to always be on. I want to hide sometimes. It was fun at first, tiring now, i still have to be nice to people because this is my workplace.

Where is the sun? I've said before that I don't want to live in a place where the air hurts my face, and I also don't want to live in a place where the people wear their winter coats all of the time, indoors and out, to meals, to work in.  i also left Michigan because of Seasonal Affective Disorder, so I'm not sure this is the place for me either.

i'm not sure i want to live in a place where everyone is from one culture, where there is one type of food, where i don't speak the language.  The language is one of the biggest challenges.  I remember the last time I travelled in Latin America with a good command of Spanish and got a deep realization of how important it is to have the language to connect with people.  Learning Mandarin seems so huge and overwhelming, and slow.  And they are hesitant to provide us with an interpreter.  They just want us to learn the language.  I think about how much effort I am putting in here, and it isn't really long term for my future life.  Even if I stayed here 3 to 5 years, then what?  I think I would rather be putting the effort into building something I want.  A home in community. Our own pool?  I want roots and a home base and then travel from there.  Maybe it's Michigan part time and maybe it's not, but at this moment, I'm not sure if it is China.

Connecting and belonging

Sometimes I feel like this is the best way I can connect with the ones that I love. By speaking about my experiences and sharing photos. But it feels completely insufficient and inadequate in comparison to how full my heart feels with love for all those that I have met on the path of my life’s journey. Many are in Michigan, some are scattered around the world. Some I've known for years, some for days, but with a love just as deep. A love even for those I have not yet met.  So how do I express this love? A smile, a meeting with my lover, a conversation with a friend, hugging a tree, enjoying the smell of a flower, creating something to share… there is connection, yet lonliness and a sadness that wants more depth, more in person connectedness. Especially with those so far away, but even with those here near me without a shared language of words.

There are details of the happenings of life here, but the details don't leave my lips as easily, don't want to be captured on the page with words in the same way. There are cloudy days, mountains, Shetland ponies, trips to see farmers, dinners with government officials, dragons dancing, music blaring, ping pong, tea ceremonies, banquet halls, interesting food, smiling faces, and it is also the same, in a way a distraction from life at first, with new challenges and surprises, but the same patterns and moods and fears and doubts and joys follow you everywhere. No matter where you are, no matter which language is being spoken, no matter what food you are eating, they find you.

It is a quiet, rainy day.  Rain, rain, makes the tourists go away.  Time for self, time for quiet contemplation, time to get chores done, time for me.  It gets confusing being with a partner so much of your time, eating and sleeping, and studying and working and traveling, all together.  It gets confusing that when I need time alone, it’s actually not about him.  But my training and my kind heart don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.  But my heart isn’t actually so kind when I don’t get my space.  “Love one another but make not a bond of love: let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.” ~Kahlil Gibran.  So, it works out that he is busy doing something that I am not doing and in a different location than me, and I am content. 

I want to call home…there is a desire, and there is a 13 hour time difference, and there are bad connections and dropped calls, and an introvert dislike of the phone…just know that if we aren’t talking, we are still connected.  Just know that when I am no longer on this planet, we are still connected.  We are all connected.  We all belong.  Yes, even this blond-haired, blue-eyed, English speaking woman in China…I belong.  I am curious how the “plan” for me to be in China came about…In a country that wasn’t at the top of my list of places to travel, in a country where the language is one of the most difficult to learn, in a country where I am not living on a white sand, turquoise water beach, in a country that so far has been, grey, gray and cloudy and cold, in a country that is so far away.  And yet, we planted the seeds of wanting to build a pool, we planted seeds of living abroad, we planted seeds of living in a quieter culture, we planted seeds of living in nature.  I have to remember why I am here when I get caught up in the day-to-day challenges.  I am here because someone wants to build us a pool.  Of course, we are “white” and foreigners and with that comes a ton of privilege, and for them here in this rural area, prestige.  But we have experience that can be helpful, we are learning and growing and having experiences we never could’ve imagined….and so, we belong.

It is an opportunity for me to manifest what I want to build, what I want to create in my life.  Will this be the time I allow myself to focus on my art?  This is the time I will focus on my art.  I spent hours taking and editing photos yesterday, and my soul feels more satisfied.  I need to return to this again and again…the voices in my head tell me I am not good enough, that other things are more important, that I don’t have time, that it is a luxury…What will it take for this time to be different?

so...the update...it's not written in stone yet, actually not even on paper yet, but we are starting to move forward in the process of applying for a work visa.  It feels hard to say these words, yet it is exciting....and scary.  But this will include visits home, perhaps the first one in May....and remember, no matter where I am, we are connected.

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